How I Know I've Changed

Lessons from a Toxic Ex

The funny thing about healing is that as you make shifts toward massive growth, the people from your past suddenly feel the need to reach out and pull you back.

Months ago, I began doing serious work on my heart in an attempt to find that elusive true love. I was reading a book that asked me when I would honestly be ready to meet my soulmate. The first word that popped into my head was:

 “December”

 Now with it being early spring at the time, my second thought was:

“What?!? That’s so far!!!”

Naturally, I was convinced I was ready right then and the prospect of waiting months was daunting. But then I really thought about it, and recognized that I had plans to be gone all summer, I was graduating school, moving, deciding where to go next, etc. I honestly wasn’t ready to drop everything for the inseparable early stage of a relationship.

Looking back of course I was not ready. But part of the work I did last spring was realize that everything can change in an instant. I stopped viewing it as waiting and instead as anticipating. This was now an exciting thing to look forward to, and I only had months to prepare! I shifted my focus to all the things I wanted to do before meeting someone, and all the stories I wanted to be able to tell him.

Unexpectedly, (of course) someone did walk into my life. But it wasn’t in December, it was August. But the question wasn’t “when will I meet my soulmate?” it was “when will I be ready”. And sure enough, December was when I first told him I loved him. For me this was a major step! I said it first, which I’d never done before. I committed from the beginning that I was going to do things differently. So when all my old habits and fears flared up I quietly acknowledged them and then did the scary thing anyway.

Days after I told my boyfriend I loved him, my toxic ex decided to reach out randomly after over a year without contact.

He wanted to “catch up” under the pretense of me recommending his friend’s wife (both of which I never met) to work at a bakery I where I used to work. I’ll admit, part of me was super curious and willing to meet up with him. But is was December and I was already overbooked with holiday plans. Luckily, that gave me the time to think about whether or not it was a good idea. After some reflection, and a good talking to from a girlfriend, I recognized that I wouldn’t really benefit from seeing him.

Now despite knowing I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t take action right away. I avoided the problem and hoped it would go away. When I finally got up the courage and told him I wasn’t interested in seeing him, he immediately lashed out.

His words hurt, but more than that they reminded me of how much I have grown.

The old me would have made time to meet him for a drink on some random night. The old me would have let him back in hoping he really was doing better. The old me would have believed his angry words and spiraled into self-loathing. The old me would never of had the courage to share any of this on the internet.

I realized that the reason why I didn’t want to tell him no was to avoid exactly his response. My subconscious kicked right back into the habits I had when I was with him. Self-preservation. I used to do anything I could to avoid him lashing out at me. This time I said no, he lashed out, and here I am still fine. Even better actually cause now he’s leaving me alone again.

So my response to his hateful words is a surprising one: Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me why I no longer want you in my life. Thank you for taking me to my rock bottom so that I could climb my way back out. Thank you for pushing me to face all my demons. Thank you for showing me how strong I really am. Thank you for making it clear just how much I have changed and grown. Thank you for reminding me how much love and support I have in my current relationship.

It is funny that he thinks I haven’t changed. It has been years, and he knows little about the person I am today. In fact, he knew little about who I was when we were together. It is honestly HIGHLY unlikely that he would have found time or willing partners to cheat on me. That isn’t really the point. He was trying to lower my self-esteem and make me feel small. A common tactic for him. But the truth is, it just makes him look desperate. I hope he finds a way to connect with people on a deeper level, and more importantly, to connect with himself.